100% Home-Made Completely Organic Chocolate Chip Pancakes!

I love food.

To eat, to make, to serve, I love it all. When I had cable I also liked watching the Food Network, as torturous as it may be with the amount of crap you can't make. I don't have cable anymore, only Youtube. So I watch clips of cooking shows on Youtube for recipe ideas. It's strange to notice that when shows or movies are broken up into clips...they don't appear to be very good without the rest of the film. Acting is noticeably bad or awkward, and with cooking shows...the pretentiousness is painfully obvious. Perhaps the longer a show is the less likely you are to pick up on little quirks, or maybe you can, but when condensed the absurdity of TV chefs is enough to leave you feeling incapable.

So, I have been inspired by other blogs (who do a better job than TV chefs) who post recipes in step-by-step how to tutorials to make my own recipe tutorial. I was also inspired by my friend Panda (real name) who made chocolate chip peanut butter cookies on his blog. I shall combine what I have learned from the Food Network and from other bloggers to show you how to make...

100% HOME-MADE COMPLETELY ORGANIC CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!!!!

First off, the recipe I am using is one I invented myself. In fact, I invented pancakes, so you can thank me for that.

The first step you will need to partake in this recipe is to have a sterile and bland kitchen lacking any character or form of identity. If you have pictures of loved ones, or art, perhaps decorations of some sort in your kitchen...get rid of them, they are not needed because they are a waste of space.

INGREDIENTS:

2 Cups of 100% home-made flour. I made this flour all by myself out of real flowers...not wheat. Flower flour is much better for you, it's proven, based on no science whatsoever.

1 TBS 100% home-made baking powder. I make my own baking powder...obviously. I just use drywall that I mince in a food processor. It's very organic and healthy for you.

1/2 Teaspoon of 100% organic salt. I went down to my local ocean and collected a jar of sea water then waited a whole year for the water to evaporate, so it could leave behind the salt I needed to make this blog post.

1 TBS 100% home-made sugar. I make my own sugar, I can't tell you how because it is highly illegal. Note: I am one of the top suppliers of Crystal Meth in Victoria. Take from that what you will...

2 Brown 100% Home-made eggs. I know a lot of recipes call for free range organic eggs, but I am not a supporter of chicken's rights...so I lay my own eggs. I only ever lay brown eggs because they are whole wheat.

2 Cups 100% Organic milk. I would make my own milk if I was able to produce it, but I can't, so I use organic milk which I steal from the local hospital.

1 Cup 100% Organic Chocolate Chips. I go to a local farm here in Victoria called The University of Victoria where they actually grow their own chocolate chips from a plant called Bunny.

(These are them, they also come in a smaller version

which grows mini chocolate chips.)

The farm is open to the public and you can go there and just collect as many chocolate chips as you want. I will note however it is not polite to eat these on the farm's premises. The thousands of underpaid workers who are employed by this farm will view this as an insult, so it is best to enjoy these organic chocolate chips within the privacy of your own home.

STEP 1:

Combine all dry ingredients and stir them together in a large bowl with a WOODEN SPOON. I cannot stress this enough, please use wooden spoons, they are made of trees and the world has far too many of them. Also, instead of cleaning your wooden spoons after every use, just throw them away and buy new ones.

STEP 2:

Take your whole wheat brown eggs and beat them into submission within the milk. Make sure they don't see it coming, it's always better that way when the attack is a surprise.

STEP 3:

Combine milk and egg mixture with the batter, you don't have to use all of it. I did. Your batter should look like this...

You'll want it to have the consistency of vomit with brown chunks. Note: WOODEN SPOON!!!

STEP 4:

Pre heat a skillet or frying pan. If you don't have one then you can't make pancakes and have just wasted your time reading this blog...but if you wish to see the stunning conclusion...than you may continue...I suppose. Butter the pan if necessary, if it is a non-stick pan then don't bother...unless you want butter taste on your pancakes then go for it...but just know you'll probably gain weight. Use a soup ladle to scoop the batter into the pan, ladle's make a generous sized pancake and they rhyme with dradle.

This is how your pancakes should look so far...

Don't judge it by it's appearance because...

Flawless pancake!

This recipe should make up to 6 pancakes if you use a soup ladle for scooping. If you use something else that goes against this recipe and all my hard work then it may make more, or less, I don't know and I don't care either....

Once you have finished cooking all your pancakes, the stack on the plate should look like this...

Beautiful, I know. You may eat them all, but you should refer back to my comment about gaining weight...just saying.

STEP 5:

Serving and presentation is key with any meal, especially pancakes. Most chefs suggest using white plates for presentation, I rather not be racist and instead used blue. For the topping of the pancakes I used butter and syrup...I suppose if you wanted to use some other sort of topping that isn't what I suggested, then go ahead...but it's not going to be as great.

When it comes to syrup, I do recommend you use 100% pure organic maple syrup. Only because it is the innards and blood flow of trees...and I like said, there's too many of them so if we can destroy as many trees as we can through everyday tasks, such as cooking, then go for it. But if you're on a budget or prefer to use liquified plastic, then I recommend Aunt Jemima and ONLY Aunt Jemima.

(Every serving of Aunt Jemima syrup comes with

an extra dose of attitude. A pivotal vitamin for your

everyday needs.)

Your fully finished and assembled meal should look like this...

Now before you start stuffing your faces with these very delicious and very chocolatey pancakes (half a cup of chocolate chips might actually be better...) There is one final step before we can enjoy our meal.

STEP 6:

Garnishing your food. Chefs regularly garnish their food, giving it more appeal when they plop it in front of your face. In the instance of pancakes you might get a fancy scoop of butter that you mistake for ice cream and decide to eat first, but then realize you just put a whole serving of butter in your mouth...Chefs are assholes in the way they trick people. Sometimes orange rind is also used to garnish pancakes, or lemon zest, perhaps some fresh fruit....

But fuck that, Orange and lemon peels are gross and I want pancakes not a fruit orchard, and I don't want to trick people into thinking butter is ice cream....ok I do, but not this time. So I took a more non-traditional approach in garnishing my dish...

I garnished my pancakes with elephants! You can use any elephants, real ones might be a challenge. Now sit back, enjoy your 100% HOME-MADE COMPLETELY ORGANIC CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!!

And then do your dishes bitches.

Take Care,

Until then, DJ Wr1t3r.

Sexual Harassment Lemur.

This is a true story that happened on the evening of April 15, 2010. What you are about to witness is a greatly exaggerated scenario, for entertainment purposes, of events that actually happened ...also to express my anger by making certain people appear below me. Cause I am great dammit!

'Oh Hi there, DJWr1t3r here in the form of a Lemur. This Lemur will be the representation of myself on April 15. Don't mind my breast feeding. I am a very kind person/lemur and I always love to give back to the community, especially the children. We need to nurture and care for our children...for they are the future, correct?'

'Anyways, I figure I should start this whole thing off with one of those story openings...like "It was a dark and stormy night" or "It was a hot summer night" or "It was a cold winter's night", but not sound too cliche about it...so....

'It was a mildly cool and mildly warm spring evening...I think, I can't really be the judge because I was stuck working in a mall. So really it was a dry, over heated evening under florescent lights.

I was working the closing shift at my new job as shoe salesman extraodinaire. I was working with my co worker Jade. For privacy purposes I won't be calling her Jade, instead I will call her Jade Knock-Off. It was our first shift working together and everything was going well. The mall was slow so there weren't many customers wandering the aisles looking to buy. It was a fairly quiet evening.'

'As the hour went by the only activity our store really saw was a confused fly going in and out of our store. I could tell it was going to be a long night with my new friend Jade Knock-Off. But I assumed it was going to be a long night of casual conversation and getting to know one another. That was until something very unexpected happened. Mall security, and this isn't for privacy purposes, this is just me being an asshole...we won't be calling them Mall Security, we'll be calling them Wannabe Cops. Two Wannabe Cops waltzed into our store. Not literally waltzed, but if they did then that'd be kind of cool, they more so just ambled in.'

'Hi, I'm the main Wannabe Cop in this story. I like Bananas, lounging, false accusations and cuddling. One day I hope to catch a real bad guy, then treat him to a nice meal of Spaghetti to celebrate my accomplishments and relevancy. SPAGHETTI!'

'Hello, I'm the second Wannabe Cop in this story. I don't talk at all or do anything, I just like to stand around and look tough regardless of the fact that I look 14 and love scooters. I LOVE scooters!! I also love being irrelevant!'

I greeted the Wannabe Cops with the common courtesy that I greet everyone who enters the store.

"Hello!" I said cheerily

"Hi" Wannabe Cop #1 said not so cheerily. "We have a complaint that's been filed against you."

"What?" I responded confused and bewildered.

"Apparently you were cat-calling to a female customer who walked by your store."

This was my expression of utter shock. I quickly thought in my mind, "Cat Calling? I didn't call anyone a pussy."

'At first I thought it was a joke, but the seriousness of serious Wannabe Cop #1 made it seem all to serious. So I replied...'

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"Um, no I didn't."

"I have it on good authority to trust what the woman told me."

Hi, I'm Jade Knock Off, you probably can't tell by my appearance but I am totally shocked right now by these false accusations.

'I wasn't able to think at that time as to why he had it on good authority to trust some stupid idiot who said I was cat-calling to her.

Bitch! Don't flatter yourself!

I did, however, vehemently deny any accusation that was thrown at me.'

"I absolutely did not do any such thing."

'Wannabe Cop #1 didn't really want to hear what I said, he blatantly ignored my words and denial.'

"Just so you know. What you did is a form of sexual harassment and is not tolerated at all in this mall."

'If I wasn't working I would have said what my brain was screaming at the Wannabe Cops....

BIG FUCKING DUH!!!!!!!!!!

But instead had to go down the tamer route and say...'

"Yeah I know that, that's why I didn't do it and that's why I never would do it."

"The woman said that it was a guy who worked in this store."

"Well there are three guys who work in this store, but neither one of us would do any such thing."

"Are they working right now?" He asked.

"No it's just me."

"Well then it was you who called to the customer."

'At this moment I was extremely angry...

My relatively good moral character was being falsely accused of sexual harassment. With no evidence, no proof, only the word of some bitch who is most obviously high on herself, or just high. And these Wannabe Cops do not want to listen to a thing I have to say. They didn't ask me if I in fact called out an obscene remark to a customer, they didn't ask if I had done anything inappropriate. They accused and assumed as soon as they walked in, making this an extremely unfair situation for me. I am innocent, I know I am, as does my co worker Jade Knock Off.'

Hey, Jade Knock Off here once again, just wanted you to know that yes. I am still shocked at this absurdity.

"I did not cat-call to any customer. I know not to do that."

"Alright well, we'll go tell her what you said."

'Wannabe Cop's tone was full of complete and utter lack of faith in any of my words of denial. He had no desire to believe a word I said, but was willing to trust the words of some woman who obviously experienced something and put the blame on me.'

'Now, Jade Knock Off and I thought long and hard as to how someone could think I was cat-calling to them when I was inside my store at all times. When I remembered that at one point I did stick my head out of our store entrance to examine the amount of people in the mall. Like I mentioned earlier the mall was dead, there was no business and I just wanted to see how busy the mall was. That is the only reason I could think of in which I was accused of sexual harassment. I think it maybe went something like this...'

Hi, I'm the stupid bitch who likes to falsely accuse men of sexual harassment. I like snitching, bitching, crying, moaning and being a Top Notch Loser.

'I think that our beautiful Ms.Victim was probably walking through the mall and saw me trying to sell shoes and mistook my body language. You see, as I was doing this...

I like to sell shoes!!

She mistook me for doing this...

Oh baby, I don't know if you've seen dat ass lately, but damn is it fine!! Girl you better do a spin for me so I can see them luscious sugar tits you got on that chest of yours.

'Extreme, I know, but what the hell else did she think I said?'

'So off she went to tell the "proper authorities" of my misbehaviour that never existed in the first place.'

It is so hard being a Wannabe Cop, you have no idea. We walk around a lot, we spy on stores, we wear ear pieces to make us look cool and we make enemies with new workers in the mall. We try to create as unstable an environment as possible. We also blatantly disregard protocol.

Excuse me officer who isn't really an officer, but I would like to a file a complaint against the dashingly charming young man who works in the shoe store at the end of the mall. That sexy ass beast told me my hair was pretty and that is just not ok. I feel sexually assaulted verbally and demand you go talk to him!

What? Are you serious? Ma'am do you have any proof of this? Any evidence at all to back up your claim of sexual harassment towards a mall employee? Now keep in mind this is a very serious accusation, this is sexual harassment we're dealing with. Whoever you are accusing will be known to us as some pervert who will yell obscene remarks to anyone as beautiful as you.

No, I have no proof whatsoever. That bastard was totally cat-calling at me.

That is all the proof we need. Let's go Wannabe Cop #2, we actually have something to do tonight. Miss, Don't worry, we'll go talk to him for you in the most unprofessional manner possible.

'And that is probably how it went down and how I was falsely accused of sexual harassment. I want to file a complaint towards the Wannabe Cops, but don't yet know whether I can or not. The manner was handled to the utmost unprofessionalism. I was not heard, or listened to, I was accused on the sales floor in front of my co worker...

Yeah, still shocked.

...I was also out right blamed without a second thought as to my side of the story...which there was none, because I did not cat-call to anyone.

To be continued.....? Maybe?

Clothing Racism.

Dear Pink,

I am writing to inform you that you, as a colour, will not become mainstream in the market for men's clothing. I apologize for the hurt and pain this will probably cause, but the majority of the male population does not like you. Not to say you don't have a market out there, you do, but it's very small. Society has painted negative connotations about you that men cannot accept. They cannot drape you over their bodies and feel comfortable about it. You can blame women and little girls for that, it's their fault men don't like you. They've made you cute, adorable, feminine and weak. It isn't fair, I know, you're probably really angry and upset but, there's nothing you can do. Men don't like you because you're pink, it's as simple as that. It hurts me to say this is about clothing racism, it isn't fair to you, but you need to know the truth. It's embarrassing to see you sitting amongst the male accepted colours all bright and obnoxious looking and having no idea what people really think about you. I know you wonder why your friends blue, brown, red, black, grey and green are all being purchased while you stay behind. It's not because they want you to "hold the fort" it's because no one likes you and they're not brave enough to say it to your face, if you even have a face.

Anyways, I am sorry it has come to this. I hope that, in time, you can get passed this and learn to accept that you are and will forever be a colour among women. Take care, and to answer your question...no, you're not invited to my Birthday. You're pink, I'm a dude and I hate you.

Sincerely, D.

P.S. Purple sends it's condolences and a 'I know how you feel' card.

Oh the colour pink. There is this extremely obnoxious knitted sweater at work that is the pinkest thing I have ever seen. And you know this is serious because I'm colour blind and usually confuse pink for being grey or cream. It sits on a table among all these other knitted sweaters which are dark in colour. The pink stack is the highest and untouched while the other piles are dwindled and in need to be refolded. I saw this sweater and thought, "If colours had a personality that pink is either totally embarrassed of itself or completely aloof." I wonder why designers keep trying to make pink happen for men. In my experience with working in clothing retail I know that pink does not sell for men. I also know that they won't quit making pink garments. What makes them decide to try it again and again? Do designers have meetings about the upcoming trends where one guy is belligerent in convincing them that pink is in? Does this one guy say things like,

"Hey you guys, I was praying, meditating and conversing with my inner colour aura and it told me that pink is totally going to happen this year for men. I know you didn't believe me last year when my magic 8-ball said it was going to happen. But this is different, this is my colour aura you guys. Colour auras don't lie."

I don't know how it goes, all I know is that the pink is either sent back to the warehouse or the sales target is directed towards bigger women.

You won't happen pink.

Until then,

DJWr1t3r

Reputation: Pizza Box.

I'm not going to lie. I love Pizza. I think it's best thing to ever be created. Bread with stuff on it, good stuff, oh heaven.

In admitting I love Pizza, I will also admit that I eat it a lot. In fact when I am in school I am usually to busy to realize what food I have stocked in my fridge. More often than not, all that lingers in the tall cold box is condiments and expired condiments!

VARIETY!

Instead of going to town on a jar of mayonnaise with a spoon I opt to order my favorite meal. Pizza! Usually covered in meat, usually accompanied with bread sticks and if available, dips! The euphoria I experience when it arrives is sheer happiness. Then quickly I turn into a raging beast ready to rip apart its prey. I can't tear the box open fast enough. I select the piece closest to me and sloppily extract it and drop it on my plate. I savagely eat it and then go back for more and more. I'm sure if the pizza were a living creature the screams and terror it belts from it's cardboard casing would be heart wrenching and disturbing. I wouldn't care though cause I have warm delicious pizza!!!

The eating of the pizza is quite atrocious as well, I won't describe it, but let's just say I am glad no one can see me eat while alone in the comfort of my own home. It's disgusting. I'm sure people would rather see me eat that mayonnaise with a spoon (goes well with paprika).

The reason for writing this blog is because I have garnered a certain reputation around my apartment building. A reputation I only became aware of recently. A tenant was hosting a little new years get together for everyone in the building. I decided to go cause I was sure there'd be food. I'm not particularly close with any of my neighbours, so they probably knew why I was there. Plus the fact I was mostly hanging out by the snack table. Also mostly because I ate all the oysters wrapped in bacon and people were upset, whatever, it's not my fault people rather waste their time conversing when they can be gorging shamelessly beside a snack table. Plus I left once the food was gone, so I'm a little obvious...shoot me.

Anyways, when I was full and waiting to binge on seconds some neighbours started to talk to me about my schooling. There is nothing I love more than food and talking about me, so I was willing to answer what ever they wanted to know. I told them I was getting my degree in Creative Writing and was asked what sort of writing I would prefer to do. Before I could say anything someone chimed into the conversation,

"You can write about the vast assortment of pizza!"

The room erupted into laughter and I sat there with a stupid grin of confusion on my face. I followed up their laughter with a,

"whaaaat?"

In which I was then informed that I have a reputation among everyone in the building. I am known as 'Pizza Box'. They call me 'Pizza Box' because the vast majority of the pizza boxes stacked outside in the recycling bins belong to me. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. Being given a reputation I had no idea I had acquired. I felt a little embarrassed and as if I had to explain myself to everyone until one woman said,

"I envy you. I wish I could eat that much bread and still stay skinny."

That's all I needed to know, that someone envied me and all was well. So they may call me 'Pizza Box'. Let my reputation be known. I will eat you under the table (suggestive?) when it comes to pizza and I am proud of it!

Until then,

DJ Wr1t3r

Back to Blog.

From the words of lyricists mastermind Timbaland,

Its been a long time, long time
I shouldnt have left you, left you
Without a dope beat to step to
Step to, step to, step to
Step to, step to

Without all the steppin...I'm not that fancy on my feet. So blogging...here we are again. It's been two and a half years since I abandoned it. I apologize, I did not realize it's importance until I went back to school. Writing in any form is good for the creative mind. But let's not get pretentious and preachy about how profound we are now that we are in college...not yet at least, I am still awaiting my monocle and wooden pipe in the mail.

Instead, let's speak of the new year and the event that lead me to start a blog again.

I am hopeful that 2010 is going to be great. Hell it's already been memorable for me. The first thing I did was puke my guts out...and I wasn't even drunk...I just coughed really hard and upchucked everything in my stomach. I'm hardcore like that. Most would think that puking isn't very memorable, but I haven't vomited since I was six years old, that was seventeen years ago, so this was pretty special. Especially considering the fact I didn't aim for the toilet and instead puked in the sink. How amateur, right? Nothing says "HAPPY FUCKIN NEW YEAR!!" like scrubbing a mixture of tortilla chips, kahluha and stomach acid out of your sink at 2:00am. I don't know the thought process of those who are literally spilling their guts into a white porcelain sink, but the thoughts going through my head were

a) Now I can't brag about not puking anymore

and

b) I should blog about this.

Priorities...

I almost wish I was wasted then I would not sound so pathetic, but then again the humor would be lost. Thank you lingering cold of 2009 for making me cough so hard that you got me back into blogging.

Until then,

DJ Wr1t3r