100% Home-Made Completely Organic Chocolate Chip Pancakes!

I love food.

To eat, to make, to serve, I love it all. When I had cable I also liked watching the Food Network, as torturous as it may be with the amount of crap you can't make. I don't have cable anymore, only Youtube. So I watch clips of cooking shows on Youtube for recipe ideas. It's strange to notice that when shows or movies are broken up into clips...they don't appear to be very good without the rest of the film. Acting is noticeably bad or awkward, and with cooking shows...the pretentiousness is painfully obvious. Perhaps the longer a show is the less likely you are to pick up on little quirks, or maybe you can, but when condensed the absurdity of TV chefs is enough to leave you feeling incapable.

So, I have been inspired by other blogs (who do a better job than TV chefs) who post recipes in step-by-step how to tutorials to make my own recipe tutorial. I was also inspired by my friend Panda (real name) who made chocolate chip peanut butter cookies on his blog. I shall combine what I have learned from the Food Network and from other bloggers to show you how to make...

100% HOME-MADE COMPLETELY ORGANIC CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!!!!

First off, the recipe I am using is one I invented myself. In fact, I invented pancakes, so you can thank me for that.

The first step you will need to partake in this recipe is to have a sterile and bland kitchen lacking any character or form of identity. If you have pictures of loved ones, or art, perhaps decorations of some sort in your kitchen...get rid of them, they are not needed because they are a waste of space.

INGREDIENTS:

2 Cups of 100% home-made flour. I made this flour all by myself out of real flowers...not wheat. Flower flour is much better for you, it's proven, based on no science whatsoever.

1 TBS 100% home-made baking powder. I make my own baking powder...obviously. I just use drywall that I mince in a food processor. It's very organic and healthy for you.

1/2 Teaspoon of 100% organic salt. I went down to my local ocean and collected a jar of sea water then waited a whole year for the water to evaporate, so it could leave behind the salt I needed to make this blog post.

1 TBS 100% home-made sugar. I make my own sugar, I can't tell you how because it is highly illegal. Note: I am one of the top suppliers of Crystal Meth in Victoria. Take from that what you will...

2 Brown 100% Home-made eggs. I know a lot of recipes call for free range organic eggs, but I am not a supporter of chicken's rights...so I lay my own eggs. I only ever lay brown eggs because they are whole wheat.

2 Cups 100% Organic milk. I would make my own milk if I was able to produce it, but I can't, so I use organic milk which I steal from the local hospital.

1 Cup 100% Organic Chocolate Chips. I go to a local farm here in Victoria called The University of Victoria where they actually grow their own chocolate chips from a plant called Bunny.

(These are them, they also come in a smaller version

which grows mini chocolate chips.)

The farm is open to the public and you can go there and just collect as many chocolate chips as you want. I will note however it is not polite to eat these on the farm's premises. The thousands of underpaid workers who are employed by this farm will view this as an insult, so it is best to enjoy these organic chocolate chips within the privacy of your own home.

STEP 1:

Combine all dry ingredients and stir them together in a large bowl with a WOODEN SPOON. I cannot stress this enough, please use wooden spoons, they are made of trees and the world has far too many of them. Also, instead of cleaning your wooden spoons after every use, just throw them away and buy new ones.

STEP 2:

Take your whole wheat brown eggs and beat them into submission within the milk. Make sure they don't see it coming, it's always better that way when the attack is a surprise.

STEP 3:

Combine milk and egg mixture with the batter, you don't have to use all of it. I did. Your batter should look like this...

You'll want it to have the consistency of vomit with brown chunks. Note: WOODEN SPOON!!!

STEP 4:

Pre heat a skillet or frying pan. If you don't have one then you can't make pancakes and have just wasted your time reading this blog...but if you wish to see the stunning conclusion...than you may continue...I suppose. Butter the pan if necessary, if it is a non-stick pan then don't bother...unless you want butter taste on your pancakes then go for it...but just know you'll probably gain weight. Use a soup ladle to scoop the batter into the pan, ladle's make a generous sized pancake and they rhyme with dradle.

This is how your pancakes should look so far...

Don't judge it by it's appearance because...

Flawless pancake!

This recipe should make up to 6 pancakes if you use a soup ladle for scooping. If you use something else that goes against this recipe and all my hard work then it may make more, or less, I don't know and I don't care either....

Once you have finished cooking all your pancakes, the stack on the plate should look like this...

Beautiful, I know. You may eat them all, but you should refer back to my comment about gaining weight...just saying.

STEP 5:

Serving and presentation is key with any meal, especially pancakes. Most chefs suggest using white plates for presentation, I rather not be racist and instead used blue. For the topping of the pancakes I used butter and syrup...I suppose if you wanted to use some other sort of topping that isn't what I suggested, then go ahead...but it's not going to be as great.

When it comes to syrup, I do recommend you use 100% pure organic maple syrup. Only because it is the innards and blood flow of trees...and I like said, there's too many of them so if we can destroy as many trees as we can through everyday tasks, such as cooking, then go for it. But if you're on a budget or prefer to use liquified plastic, then I recommend Aunt Jemima and ONLY Aunt Jemima.

(Every serving of Aunt Jemima syrup comes with

an extra dose of attitude. A pivotal vitamin for your

everyday needs.)

Your fully finished and assembled meal should look like this...

Now before you start stuffing your faces with these very delicious and very chocolatey pancakes (half a cup of chocolate chips might actually be better...) There is one final step before we can enjoy our meal.

STEP 6:

Garnishing your food. Chefs regularly garnish their food, giving it more appeal when they plop it in front of your face. In the instance of pancakes you might get a fancy scoop of butter that you mistake for ice cream and decide to eat first, but then realize you just put a whole serving of butter in your mouth...Chefs are assholes in the way they trick people. Sometimes orange rind is also used to garnish pancakes, or lemon zest, perhaps some fresh fruit....

But fuck that, Orange and lemon peels are gross and I want pancakes not a fruit orchard, and I don't want to trick people into thinking butter is ice cream....ok I do, but not this time. So I took a more non-traditional approach in garnishing my dish...

I garnished my pancakes with elephants! You can use any elephants, real ones might be a challenge. Now sit back, enjoy your 100% HOME-MADE COMPLETELY ORGANIC CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!!

And then do your dishes bitches.

Take Care,

Until then, DJ Wr1t3r.