100% Home-Made Completely Organic Chocolate Chip Pancakes!

I love food.

To eat, to make, to serve, I love it all. When I had cable I also liked watching the Food Network, as torturous as it may be with the amount of crap you can't make. I don't have cable anymore, only Youtube. So I watch clips of cooking shows on Youtube for recipe ideas. It's strange to notice that when shows or movies are broken up into clips...they don't appear to be very good without the rest of the film. Acting is noticeably bad or awkward, and with cooking shows...the pretentiousness is painfully obvious. Perhaps the longer a show is the less likely you are to pick up on little quirks, or maybe you can, but when condensed the absurdity of TV chefs is enough to leave you feeling incapable.

So, I have been inspired by other blogs (who do a better job than TV chefs) who post recipes in step-by-step how to tutorials to make my own recipe tutorial. I was also inspired by my friend Panda (real name) who made chocolate chip peanut butter cookies on his blog. I shall combine what I have learned from the Food Network and from other bloggers to show you how to make...

100% HOME-MADE COMPLETELY ORGANIC CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!!!!

First off, the recipe I am using is one I invented myself. In fact, I invented pancakes, so you can thank me for that.

The first step you will need to partake in this recipe is to have a sterile and bland kitchen lacking any character or form of identity. If you have pictures of loved ones, or art, perhaps decorations of some sort in your kitchen...get rid of them, they are not needed because they are a waste of space.

INGREDIENTS:

2 Cups of 100% home-made flour. I made this flour all by myself out of real flowers...not wheat. Flower flour is much better for you, it's proven, based on no science whatsoever.

1 TBS 100% home-made baking powder. I make my own baking powder...obviously. I just use drywall that I mince in a food processor. It's very organic and healthy for you.

1/2 Teaspoon of 100% organic salt. I went down to my local ocean and collected a jar of sea water then waited a whole year for the water to evaporate, so it could leave behind the salt I needed to make this blog post.

1 TBS 100% home-made sugar. I make my own sugar, I can't tell you how because it is highly illegal. Note: I am one of the top suppliers of Crystal Meth in Victoria. Take from that what you will...

2 Brown 100% Home-made eggs. I know a lot of recipes call for free range organic eggs, but I am not a supporter of chicken's rights...so I lay my own eggs. I only ever lay brown eggs because they are whole wheat.

2 Cups 100% Organic milk. I would make my own milk if I was able to produce it, but I can't, so I use organic milk which I steal from the local hospital.

1 Cup 100% Organic Chocolate Chips. I go to a local farm here in Victoria called The University of Victoria where they actually grow their own chocolate chips from a plant called Bunny.

(These are them, they also come in a smaller version

which grows mini chocolate chips.)

The farm is open to the public and you can go there and just collect as many chocolate chips as you want. I will note however it is not polite to eat these on the farm's premises. The thousands of underpaid workers who are employed by this farm will view this as an insult, so it is best to enjoy these organic chocolate chips within the privacy of your own home.

STEP 1:

Combine all dry ingredients and stir them together in a large bowl with a WOODEN SPOON. I cannot stress this enough, please use wooden spoons, they are made of trees and the world has far too many of them. Also, instead of cleaning your wooden spoons after every use, just throw them away and buy new ones.

STEP 2:

Take your whole wheat brown eggs and beat them into submission within the milk. Make sure they don't see it coming, it's always better that way when the attack is a surprise.

STEP 3:

Combine milk and egg mixture with the batter, you don't have to use all of it. I did. Your batter should look like this...

You'll want it to have the consistency of vomit with brown chunks. Note: WOODEN SPOON!!!

STEP 4:

Pre heat a skillet or frying pan. If you don't have one then you can't make pancakes and have just wasted your time reading this blog...but if you wish to see the stunning conclusion...than you may continue...I suppose. Butter the pan if necessary, if it is a non-stick pan then don't bother...unless you want butter taste on your pancakes then go for it...but just know you'll probably gain weight. Use a soup ladle to scoop the batter into the pan, ladle's make a generous sized pancake and they rhyme with dradle.

This is how your pancakes should look so far...

Don't judge it by it's appearance because...

Flawless pancake!

This recipe should make up to 6 pancakes if you use a soup ladle for scooping. If you use something else that goes against this recipe and all my hard work then it may make more, or less, I don't know and I don't care either....

Once you have finished cooking all your pancakes, the stack on the plate should look like this...

Beautiful, I know. You may eat them all, but you should refer back to my comment about gaining weight...just saying.

STEP 5:

Serving and presentation is key with any meal, especially pancakes. Most chefs suggest using white plates for presentation, I rather not be racist and instead used blue. For the topping of the pancakes I used butter and syrup...I suppose if you wanted to use some other sort of topping that isn't what I suggested, then go ahead...but it's not going to be as great.

When it comes to syrup, I do recommend you use 100% pure organic maple syrup. Only because it is the innards and blood flow of trees...and I like said, there's too many of them so if we can destroy as many trees as we can through everyday tasks, such as cooking, then go for it. But if you're on a budget or prefer to use liquified plastic, then I recommend Aunt Jemima and ONLY Aunt Jemima.

(Every serving of Aunt Jemima syrup comes with

an extra dose of attitude. A pivotal vitamin for your

everyday needs.)

Your fully finished and assembled meal should look like this...

Now before you start stuffing your faces with these very delicious and very chocolatey pancakes (half a cup of chocolate chips might actually be better...) There is one final step before we can enjoy our meal.

STEP 6:

Garnishing your food. Chefs regularly garnish their food, giving it more appeal when they plop it in front of your face. In the instance of pancakes you might get a fancy scoop of butter that you mistake for ice cream and decide to eat first, but then realize you just put a whole serving of butter in your mouth...Chefs are assholes in the way they trick people. Sometimes orange rind is also used to garnish pancakes, or lemon zest, perhaps some fresh fruit....

But fuck that, Orange and lemon peels are gross and I want pancakes not a fruit orchard, and I don't want to trick people into thinking butter is ice cream....ok I do, but not this time. So I took a more non-traditional approach in garnishing my dish...

I garnished my pancakes with elephants! You can use any elephants, real ones might be a challenge. Now sit back, enjoy your 100% HOME-MADE COMPLETELY ORGANIC CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!!

And then do your dishes bitches.

Take Care,

Until then, DJ Wr1t3r.

Sexual Harassment Lemur.

This is a true story that happened on the evening of April 15, 2010. What you are about to witness is a greatly exaggerated scenario, for entertainment purposes, of events that actually happened ...also to express my anger by making certain people appear below me. Cause I am great dammit!

'Oh Hi there, DJWr1t3r here in the form of a Lemur. This Lemur will be the representation of myself on April 15. Don't mind my breast feeding. I am a very kind person/lemur and I always love to give back to the community, especially the children. We need to nurture and care for our children...for they are the future, correct?'

'Anyways, I figure I should start this whole thing off with one of those story openings...like "It was a dark and stormy night" or "It was a hot summer night" or "It was a cold winter's night", but not sound too cliche about it...so....

'It was a mildly cool and mildly warm spring evening...I think, I can't really be the judge because I was stuck working in a mall. So really it was a dry, over heated evening under florescent lights.

I was working the closing shift at my new job as shoe salesman extraodinaire. I was working with my co worker Jade. For privacy purposes I won't be calling her Jade, instead I will call her Jade Knock-Off. It was our first shift working together and everything was going well. The mall was slow so there weren't many customers wandering the aisles looking to buy. It was a fairly quiet evening.'

'As the hour went by the only activity our store really saw was a confused fly going in and out of our store. I could tell it was going to be a long night with my new friend Jade Knock-Off. But I assumed it was going to be a long night of casual conversation and getting to know one another. That was until something very unexpected happened. Mall security, and this isn't for privacy purposes, this is just me being an asshole...we won't be calling them Mall Security, we'll be calling them Wannabe Cops. Two Wannabe Cops waltzed into our store. Not literally waltzed, but if they did then that'd be kind of cool, they more so just ambled in.'

'Hi, I'm the main Wannabe Cop in this story. I like Bananas, lounging, false accusations and cuddling. One day I hope to catch a real bad guy, then treat him to a nice meal of Spaghetti to celebrate my accomplishments and relevancy. SPAGHETTI!'

'Hello, I'm the second Wannabe Cop in this story. I don't talk at all or do anything, I just like to stand around and look tough regardless of the fact that I look 14 and love scooters. I LOVE scooters!! I also love being irrelevant!'

I greeted the Wannabe Cops with the common courtesy that I greet everyone who enters the store.

"Hello!" I said cheerily

"Hi" Wannabe Cop #1 said not so cheerily. "We have a complaint that's been filed against you."

"What?" I responded confused and bewildered.

"Apparently you were cat-calling to a female customer who walked by your store."

This was my expression of utter shock. I quickly thought in my mind, "Cat Calling? I didn't call anyone a pussy."

'At first I thought it was a joke, but the seriousness of serious Wannabe Cop #1 made it seem all to serious. So I replied...'

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"Um, no I didn't."

"I have it on good authority to trust what the woman told me."

Hi, I'm Jade Knock Off, you probably can't tell by my appearance but I am totally shocked right now by these false accusations.

'I wasn't able to think at that time as to why he had it on good authority to trust some stupid idiot who said I was cat-calling to her.

Bitch! Don't flatter yourself!

I did, however, vehemently deny any accusation that was thrown at me.'

"I absolutely did not do any such thing."

'Wannabe Cop #1 didn't really want to hear what I said, he blatantly ignored my words and denial.'

"Just so you know. What you did is a form of sexual harassment and is not tolerated at all in this mall."

'If I wasn't working I would have said what my brain was screaming at the Wannabe Cops....

BIG FUCKING DUH!!!!!!!!!!

But instead had to go down the tamer route and say...'

"Yeah I know that, that's why I didn't do it and that's why I never would do it."

"The woman said that it was a guy who worked in this store."

"Well there are three guys who work in this store, but neither one of us would do any such thing."

"Are they working right now?" He asked.

"No it's just me."

"Well then it was you who called to the customer."

'At this moment I was extremely angry...

My relatively good moral character was being falsely accused of sexual harassment. With no evidence, no proof, only the word of some bitch who is most obviously high on herself, or just high. And these Wannabe Cops do not want to listen to a thing I have to say. They didn't ask me if I in fact called out an obscene remark to a customer, they didn't ask if I had done anything inappropriate. They accused and assumed as soon as they walked in, making this an extremely unfair situation for me. I am innocent, I know I am, as does my co worker Jade Knock Off.'

Hey, Jade Knock Off here once again, just wanted you to know that yes. I am still shocked at this absurdity.

"I did not cat-call to any customer. I know not to do that."

"Alright well, we'll go tell her what you said."

'Wannabe Cop's tone was full of complete and utter lack of faith in any of my words of denial. He had no desire to believe a word I said, but was willing to trust the words of some woman who obviously experienced something and put the blame on me.'

'Now, Jade Knock Off and I thought long and hard as to how someone could think I was cat-calling to them when I was inside my store at all times. When I remembered that at one point I did stick my head out of our store entrance to examine the amount of people in the mall. Like I mentioned earlier the mall was dead, there was no business and I just wanted to see how busy the mall was. That is the only reason I could think of in which I was accused of sexual harassment. I think it maybe went something like this...'

Hi, I'm the stupid bitch who likes to falsely accuse men of sexual harassment. I like snitching, bitching, crying, moaning and being a Top Notch Loser.

'I think that our beautiful Ms.Victim was probably walking through the mall and saw me trying to sell shoes and mistook my body language. You see, as I was doing this...

I like to sell shoes!!

She mistook me for doing this...

Oh baby, I don't know if you've seen dat ass lately, but damn is it fine!! Girl you better do a spin for me so I can see them luscious sugar tits you got on that chest of yours.

'Extreme, I know, but what the hell else did she think I said?'

'So off she went to tell the "proper authorities" of my misbehaviour that never existed in the first place.'

It is so hard being a Wannabe Cop, you have no idea. We walk around a lot, we spy on stores, we wear ear pieces to make us look cool and we make enemies with new workers in the mall. We try to create as unstable an environment as possible. We also blatantly disregard protocol.

Excuse me officer who isn't really an officer, but I would like to a file a complaint against the dashingly charming young man who works in the shoe store at the end of the mall. That sexy ass beast told me my hair was pretty and that is just not ok. I feel sexually assaulted verbally and demand you go talk to him!

What? Are you serious? Ma'am do you have any proof of this? Any evidence at all to back up your claim of sexual harassment towards a mall employee? Now keep in mind this is a very serious accusation, this is sexual harassment we're dealing with. Whoever you are accusing will be known to us as some pervert who will yell obscene remarks to anyone as beautiful as you.

No, I have no proof whatsoever. That bastard was totally cat-calling at me.

That is all the proof we need. Let's go Wannabe Cop #2, we actually have something to do tonight. Miss, Don't worry, we'll go talk to him for you in the most unprofessional manner possible.

'And that is probably how it went down and how I was falsely accused of sexual harassment. I want to file a complaint towards the Wannabe Cops, but don't yet know whether I can or not. The manner was handled to the utmost unprofessionalism. I was not heard, or listened to, I was accused on the sales floor in front of my co worker...

Yeah, still shocked.

...I was also out right blamed without a second thought as to my side of the story...which there was none, because I did not cat-call to anyone.

To be continued.....? Maybe?