Man About Town - Government House

Hey kids! Who loves adventure, ponies and ice cream sandwiches? I DO!!!

But I didn't have any of those while at Government House. No, it was much more bland than that.

Government House, located 10 minutes from my house.

It was Saturday, I had the day off (per usual) and wanted to go on an adventure since the rapture didn't happen, kind of disappointed because I still have to pay off my debts. Anyways, I didn't want to go far though so I figured the G House was the best place to go. So I grabbed my digital camera and jacket and headed onward!

As I walked up the road I soon realized that it was quite warm out and my jacket was far too impractical for the overcast skies of Victoria...so I was sweating when not even 3 minutes out the door. Oh well, I didn't want to walk back home to drop it off, I was on a mission for adventure! Plus my neighbour, who is most likely a drug dealer, was bagging marijuana because the hallway wreaked of B.O and fungi and it has been really affecting my nose. Sad face.

So I continued up the road to reach my destination! It wasn't long until I reached the house of governments and was met with my second disappointment of my adventure...

SO MANY RULES!!! How is one supposed to have fun on an adventure when the first thing you see is a blanket of signs covered in rules and warnings!! Where is the element of surprise? The sense of danger!! Certainly not at Government House...

Anyways, I continued to press on. I walked up the rather long driveway and stood before Government House in all it's glory.

Then realized how obnoxious this place is. Look at the size of this house. You cannot even fit the entire thing in one picture. If you need a wide angle lens to take a picture of a house, the house is too damn big. That car is smaller than the freakin doorway.

Anyways, the official website of Government House labels the place as "The Ceremonial Home of all British Columbians." Aw, well that's kind of nice...except the front door is locked so you can't enter!! Even after kicking the door it remains closed and nobody comes to let you in. What ever! I figured I'd just wander the grounds because this place is so damn huge.

I traveled to the side yard, which is bigger than my apartment and all it contains are flower beds and a fountain, to find that this place is kind of creepy. Off to the side, under some trees, is this thing...

WTF? Right? I couldn't even try to guess what this is, but it's probably used in government rituals and drinks the blood of the middle class and children...also it doesn't even have a nose, it broke off. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you, the Sphinx of Victoria.

Just behind this creepy ass yard decoration is the side yard I mentioned. I am guessing it is usually full of flowers, but since May weather has really kind of sucked the place looks decrepit and gloomy.

What you don't see in this picture is a very homely looking girl sitting on a bench to the left who was scowling at me the entire time I was there. She was probably afraid she was going to be in one of my photos, but she can be assured I wasn't willing to break my camera that day and thus she was left out of the picture...much like the story of her life. Maybe I should have included her to add to the depressing mood this picture represents.

Carrying on I found a sun dial that couldn't tell time because of overcast skies.

Which got me to thinking...how did they tell time back then on days without sun? They probably didn't. Which further solidifies why the past sucks and we should all be thankful we live in the present time of internet, ice cream, political duress and the pesky gays. Also, they didn't have mirrors back then either...ugly people didn't know they were ugly and thought they were always a hot mess...that's actually kind of empowering...homely girl would have loved the past.

Leaving the side yard I came along a trail that wraps around the back of the house. The trail branches off to other trails that could have you wandering Government House's backyard for hours. No thanks. So I took the shorter route and was met by another damn sign...

A kinder way of saying, "CAUTION! YOU COULD DIE HERE!" My comfort level at Government house was further depleting, what with creepy statue, homely girl who hates her life and now a death trap. I thought I was suppose to be on an adventure...I was hoping things would look up and for a quick moment they did.

As I came around the corner on the trail of death I came across a lookout point. I was excited because I love views of wide open spaces.

But looks are deceiving, you can't go any further from this lookout point even though that curve gives you the impression a wonderful view is on its way. Instead all you get is a face full of trees.

What a let down, right? They tried to cover their asses for a lack of view by guilt tripping you into feeling sorry for these trees. They're "endangered Gary-Oak trees" that are home to "endangered species." What ever, chop them all down and show us the beauty that awaits behind these almost extinct twigs.

I was done with the lookout point of constant disappointment and went back to the trail of death and despair to only find this hazardous trail continued on for a while...I thought for sure it would be my dying day...the rapture didn't happen but Government House's death yard was going to consume my soul. I was going to meet Jesus.

I braved through it though, ready to meet my fate and take it head on...but I made it out unscathed and lived to see another day. So that was the only plus so far on this adventure of the outdoors. I thought it was going to be a double whammy of greatness when at the end of the trail were old stable houses! I was pumped because stables = ponies!

But upon further joy and excitement and running towards the building with my hands in the air...I was soon to discover there were no ponies. There was nothing but darkness and old furniture in the windows. With my shoulders slumped and my head hanging low I walked away fighting back the tears of a pony-less adventure. The next trail I wandered down left me confused and scratching my head. There was a gate at the end of the trail...it was locked and had a sign on it.

What sort of secrets and wondrous amazement was being kept behind this gate of 'Private'? It didn't look like much from where I was standing, which left me confused, but I had to take a closer look. There has to be much more to this barring of entrance. So I took a picture of what was over the gate to find this...

Barren wasteland...I was officially confused. This, this area was private? I was walking on Government property with fields of flowers, endangered trees, creepy statues, death traps, homely girls who hate me and I wasn't allowed in here? To be honest this was the most interesting thing I had seen since I started my adventure and I wasn't allowed to go further. What ever Government House, I have already established your ass backwards so I just wasn't going to question anymore.

While continuing on I thought I would take a picture of something that I hadn't mentioned yet...Government House is littered with benches...all over the place, everywhere you turn there is a bench. Which is great because I love to sit, but all the benches are dedicated to dead people.

I don't mean any disrespect to the dead, may they rest in piece and everything...but I always find sitting on benches dedicated to the dead is kind of uncomfortable. You sit there knowing that the only reason that bench is there is because someone died. And you sit there wondering if their spirits are in the bench. Are you sitting on them? next to them? Would they approve of you if you had met them in real life? Is their ghost judging me of my life choices? Are they going to follow me home and haunt my ass or watch me shower? Benches...they're creepy and all over the yards of Government House.

My adventure was beginning to wind down. I was almost back to the beginning of the house of G when I was bombarded by flowers.

Aren't they stunningly awful? Every year my mild allergy to pollen and nature increases just a little bit...any minute now I am expecting my nose to flow like a waterfall because of Government House's hate on for me. Dear flowers, get bent.

To the left of these atrocities is another landmark that Government House is trying to be. First they want to be Egypt with the Sphinx of life killing and now this...

Oh look it's the Canadian Versailles. Government House needs to get over itself and stop trying to be what it's not. This place has been built three times already because it kept burning down, but it just keeps on coming back like a battered spouse. There was more to this scene I was going to show, like dead people benches and a steel garden house...but there were other people around now and taking pictures of themselves and having a good time...delusional idiots. If only they looked a little harder they'd see the truth, they'd know that Government House hates people and this place is not a recipe for a good time!!

Behind me was a pond. I like ponds because of the crazy creatures that you find inside them. One time my friends and I saw a seagull pull a craw fish out of a pond and the two began to have an all out brawl. The Craw Fish had his claws in the air like he just don't care, and the seagull just beaked his ass then ripped him apart...alive!! Then ate him...alive!! It was probably one of the coolest things I had ever seen...but nothing as cool as that happened here at Government House...nope...just a pond...a pond full of ducks.

Not just any ducks though, they were gay ducks. They were just floating around and having a gay old time. I felt bad for them though...they now lived in a country with a Conservative Majority and they hate gay ducks, and they're on government property. Granted this province is still run by liberals who love nothing more than free spirited animals walking around in nothing but jock straps and holding hands...but one day...they could be evicted and then where would they go? Beacon Hill Park? Please...don't get me started on that mess of a place. So I thought I'd spare them future torture and informed them that "You're not wanted"...the deafening silence told me they were hurt and upset...then I left.

I had come full circle and ended where I had arrived. I was thankful it was over and that this poor excuse of an adventure could finally be put behind me. I bid farewell to Government House and proceeded to exit when Homely Girl walked by me...scowling...once again...then I killed her.

Until next time,

DJ Wr1t3r, A Man About Town.